Phillipian Satire: Week's Top Headlines

First ASM Canceled Due to Dr. Kington Being Stuck at Burning Man
8th Page Study Shows Dr. Kington has Never Lied Once in his Life
Bell Tower Under Surveillance Amidst Fears of Bush’s Return to Campus
Kool-Aid Man Makes Rare Appearance During Microburst
Study Shows, at This Rate, Kington’s Assistants Will Outnumber Students by 2030
New Work Duty for A Greener Blue: Administration to Send Lowers to Congolese Cobalt Mines
PASC Fights to Protect Fallen Tree’s Rights During Post-Storm Cleanup Efforts

Phillipian Satire: Week’s Top Headlines