The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Week’s Top Headlines

RayK Spotted Moping Around Commons After SOTA Hurts His Feelings

Student Sues School for Having Classist Sprinklers After Goyard Bag is Ruined On the Way to Morse

Deans Celebrate Opportunity to House Least Favorite Students in the Knoll
Previous Blue Key Heads Sent to Guantanamo Bay for Causing Irreversible Emotional Damage to the 2024 Blue Key Heads
Study Shows Poor Sportsmanship Worse for Academy Reputation Than Losing by 20 Points at Home Game
CIA Launches Coup to Counter Spanish Department Communism
Freshman Boys Angry After Missing Out on New Ideas for Pornhub Search Terms in Upper-Senior EBI Talk
West Quad North Also Voted ‘Chillest’ Cluster

PACS Officer Upset After Menial Task Reminds Him He is Not Real Cop