Phillipian Satire: Leaked Manifesto of Eco-Leader's Twisted Plot to End Barn Babies

Andover, MA — The world breathes a sigh of relief as one Andover student’s plans of eco-terrorism have been foiled. Thanks to elite investigative journalism by the 8th Page, suspect Pete O’Greenpeace was identified and apprehended this morning by PACS’ Special Operations Unit. A manifesto was found under O’Greenpeace’s bed illustrating his plans to free Barn Babies and destroy the free world. The student is an eco-leader and a frequent face in PASC meetings.

The 8th Page has compiled several key excerpts from O’Greenpeace’s writings.

“Barn Babies is an abusive and demeaning program. It is the absolute pinnacle of animal cruelty.”
“I am a communist.”
“Those bunnies could have grown up to be Andover teaching fellows. Instead, they are subject to the clammy fingers and objectifying gaze of ‘stressed’ Juniors.”
“No one wants to play with the black hen. Is Barn Babies racist?”
“Kill all men.”
“Barn Babies objectifies animals and fails to appreciate these animals’ internal beauty and intellectual inclination.”
“I was dropped as a baby.”
“The Barn Babies only have three boosters, they need to be protected.”
“Barn Babies, Inc. has rejected the baby pigs’ attempts to unionize. This is an unforgivable OSHA violation.”
“These animals aren’t paid for their labor. While I respect Barn Babies for rejecting money (a tool of capitalist oppression), I think workers should be adequately compensated.”
“This is why, on the week of May 21, 2023, I will throw soup on all the Barn Babies.”

O’Greenpeace is expected to plead insanity.

Phillipian Satire: Leaked Manifesto of Eco-Leader’s Twisted Plot to End Barn Babies

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