The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Week’s Top Headlines

-SOTA Reveals the State of the Academy is Still Massachusetts
-Next Year’s SOTA to Feature “Flag-Theft” Category (Definitely Anonymous)
-Student Writing History 300 Paper about Nazis Swears He is Not Anti-Semitic
-Deans Shocked to Learn Sad Story Did Not End All Substance Use on Campus
-Defund the FBI; Let’s Start by Defunding the Deans’ Email Budget
-PACS Chief Embraces Midlife Crisis, Splurges on New Infiniti SUV
-Andrew Tate Turns Over New Leaf, Shows Solidarity With Women by Staying at Home
-Childish Topics Discussed Between Children