The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Week’s Top Headlines

Students Invite Gwenyth Paltrow as ASM Speaker to Reflect on Relatable Story of Getting Sued
Over a Ski Accident

Body Positivity Skyrockets Following Addition of Larger Susie’s Ice Cream Cooler

Renovation Plans Revealed: Susie’s to Become Long John Silver’s

Deans Announce Chris Herren-Like Behaviour Only Acceptable if You Are That Good at Basketball

Boys Volleyball Achieves Annual Goal of Reminding New Students that Boys Volleyball is a Thing

Academy Donors Review Giving Plans After Expository Breitbart Article Tells Them Exactly Where Their Money is Going