The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Vote Nicky and Ned

Mar 24, 2023

Nicky

Undefeated on JV hockey before a gruesome concussion
Longest shift was 14 seconds
Social Darwinist
Rafe Cameron enthusiast
Often randomly searched at airports
Favorite quote: “I am no longer a manager, I can’t manage” — adaptation of Ye quote
Loves a good couch

Ned

Well-behaved
JV2 squash captain
Passionate about menswear
Thinks what Rafe Cameron did to Peterkin is messed up! #P4L
Eats breakfast
The IRS hate him for this one simple trick
Enjoys Halloween festivities

Crime

One-strike policy to make drinking more thrilling
Stop-and-frisk to prevent Susie’s theft
Defund PACS
Border wall between Andover and Andover High School
China-inspired social credit score system

Activism

Divestment from oil companies, investment in Purdue Pharma
Equal recruiting power for all sports
Equitable access to stimulants and/or seats in Silent
Equal grade distribution
More mustaches

Community

Nude beaches (Rabbit Pond)
Paresky Commons mayo slip-and-slide
Nightly “Cocaine Bear” screening
Great Lawn becomes a dean-free zone—immunity for globetrotters
Denied entry to dances for people who pass the breathalyzer test