The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Week’s Top Headlines

Teachers Forget Ultimate Week and Finals Week Are Different Things
8th Page Continues to Be Beacon of Light in a Sea of Darkness
Deans Jump Students in Gelb Parking Lot Who Counted Cards on Casino Night
Student Takes “Country” Spirit Week Psych a Little Too Seriously, Shoots Faculty Dog With Shotgun
Administration Tries More Spiritual Approach to Discipline, Encourages Students Give Up Drinking for Lent
Freshman Develops Crippling Gambling Addiction From Casino Night, Excited to Fit in With Upperclassmen Friends
Boys Hockey Pushes Game to Overtime, Team Calls It “Basically a Win”