The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Nicky/Evalyn GoFundMe

Donate to Help Evalyn Lee Experience Love For Once In Her Life

Despite often being confused with her dear friends, the Makerspace kids, Evalyn is quite noticeable. Hailing from the “it’s actually pretty diverse” town of Vernon Hills, Illinois, she had a really rough life. I don’t know if she was adopted, but it seems like it. She has always seemed cold and distant, like she has never had someone believe in her. In our many hours shared in the newsroom, I have never seen her receive a call or text from her parents. Earlier this year, in an effort to rekindle the love her parents once had for her, she dyed her hair blonde. She claims that she dyed her hair to connect with her ethnic roots. When she revealed her hair to her parents, they left. Please donate so she can fix the atrocity she calls her hair. In an attempt to overcome her lack of love, she picked up softball. She plays centerfield as it’s the only position where she can maintain a safe distance, per her teammates request. Her favorite part of the game is running after those big balls (something she does not stop when the game is over).
Softball was the only thing Evalyn was ever good at, and she isn’t going to college for it. LMAO. There are many more things Evalyn is terrible at, like making friends and finding a new man. At least, I think I have only ever seen her once outside the newsroom. She was eating in Upper Left alone; she looked very comfortable as this looked like a common occurrence. Maybe all those hours with the maker space kids didn’t pay off. Please donate so Evalyn can afford new friends. Also with this money, Evalyn can attend anti-racism classes before opening her Korean barbeque. She first tried to acquire money by competing in Squid Games, but was kicked off for not having an emergency contact. Evalyn’s brother is much cooler than her. I’ve never met him and have not heard much about him, but he must be cooler than the girl who shoves glizzy-shaped pretzels covered in chocolate hummus down her throat. Evalyn really wants to achieve her goal of “keeping the Holy Land clean” despite being a horrible Evangelical.

Donate to Help Nicky Essaid Achieve His American Dream

Please help Nicky overcome his learning disability. You can hear Nicky approach by the sound of his Adderall pills rattling in his backpack. It’s almost like a bell on a cat collar, but at least the cat doesn’t suffer from such a severe attention deficit. When Nicky attempts to write a joke, he stares endlessly into his blank computer screen. However, Nicky has no problem giving his full attention to the videos of rats he saves in his camera roll. “Doctors” have diagnosed him with ADHD, but his GPA has remained stagnant. Studies have discovered that Nicky is an exceptional case where Adderall doesn’t work. Please donate to help scientists find a cure for his rare condition.

In addition to his disability, Nicky is also an oppressed minority in America. He is so multicultural, he really puts the “M” in CaMD. His Palestinian roots justify his support of Kanye West. Often racially profiled in airports, his bag is searched but all they can find are BOMBS (as in the ones for baths). When asked if he identifies as white, Nicky responded: “It depends on who’s asking.” Nicky resides in the culturally vibrant town of Greenwich, Connecticut. His cultural garb includes Patagonia vests, Barbour jackets, needlepoint belts, and salmon pink shorts. It’s not easy being a part of a group that only makes up one percent of the United States of America. You cannot imagine the hardships Nicky has faced as an underrepresented individual. Please donate to help a minority achieve his American dream.

On top of his disability and ethnic discrimination, Nicky is also in deep financial trouble. After spending exorbitant amounts on Ubers to drive him to class (he can walk, just can’t think), his mother has deprived him of his Amex black card. How else can he cover his many expenses? How will he afford food (Door Dash at his doorstep) or rent (to pay off his roommate so he can use his Brazier’s discount code)? Please donate so Nicky does not have to live in such meager conditions.