The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Relatable, Life-Ending College Rejection Letter Leaked

Dear Ms. Rhodes:

The Committee of Determining Your Destiny has completed its Restrictive Early Action meetings, and I am pleased to inform you that we cannot offer you admission to our esteemed university, famous for an education comparable to that of a community college with a tuition that can buy bitcoins. This year’s application pool was very strong, but honestly you just kinda suck. You have some legacy, but your parents haven’t been the best donors and it’s clear from your interest in music you don’t have much earning potential. We took a glance at your family’s finances, and it seems they donate the majority of their income to the Clinton Foundation.

On Question Three we asked, “Tell us a fun fact about yourself,” and you answered, “I can cook minute rice in 59 seconds.” In my 58 years of living and 23 years in admissions of all sorts, I have never seen such a horrible response. I guarantee that your parents are disappointed in you. This is exactly why your dog ran away. But back to the application, when we asked, “If you could have one superpower, what would it be?” you responded with, “That Kanye super power, and I’m not talking about music or fashion.” Yes, we need more political diversity at our university, but we also can’t risk media attention. It did not help your case when you said that you were proud of your South African heritage. Your last name threw us off a bit.

We greatly appreciate your interest in our overhyped and no-fun school, and we offer you our best wishes that you find a place that accepts you for what you are: a failure.


Officer Wokeman