The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Week’s Top Headlines

Student Claims It’s “Sustainable Fashion” After Wearing Kanye’s “Kids See Ghosts” Hoodie for 10th Day in a Row

Catholic Student Fellowship Confession to Be Conducted by Deans

Pan Center Jacuzzi Jets Turned Off, Swim Coaches Want to Make Sure “Nothing’s Going On Down There”

Mid-Year Reflection Reminds Students Of How Precious Life Was When There Was No Mid-Year Reflection

Lower Would Rather Say PSAT Score Than Body Count

The Chemistry Teachers’ Hearts Aren’t Cold Enough to Make It Snow This Year

Spot the Difference: USA Soccer Fans vs. Capitol Rioters

The Phillipian Editor in Chief Declares No Unions, Threatens Castration