The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: From the Lion’s Den: Attenborough Goes Deep

“Fascinating”: Attenborough looks on as the stronglings of the pride follow in their parents’ footsteps.

David Attenborough Leads Us Through the Exeter Wilderness:

[Cue the ominous music.] The Exonians are a remarkable species native to Exeter, New Hampshire—an exotic biome amidst the wilderness of New England. Watch now as the creatures navigate their day-to-day life. Here a male approaches a group of females. His brightly colored cheeks match his red Exeter polo, indicating that he is preparing to do something unusually social. Quiet down so we can hear when he makes a sound…. He quietly chirps at a female Exonian, thrusting his hips ever so slightly. This is a very unique facet of the Exonian mating ritual. The female’s reaction is even more astounding; she guffaws in his face. The male gets angry. He slowly steps back from the group, ensuring no sudden movements until he reaches the sanctity of his cave. The Exonians have a special, primal response for this type of occurrence: water bubbles up and spills out of their eyes and drips down onto their cheeks. Look closely as snot begins to pour from his nose and forms streams of mucus.

Here in this extreme close-up, we get a glimpse of their classroom interactions. Notice that Exonian over there. He is a specific breed characterized by their thick lenses. Despite the enhanced vision, the Exonian overlooks the piece of spinach lodged between his braces. The classroom is the Exonian’s haven in the wild jungle of New England. Around the Harkness table, they participate in a ritual chant, alternating between their not-so-different approaches to a very basic derivative. They feel safe here from the dangers of the outside world. But—oh no, what’s that? The Exonian stands paralyzed, looking at a seat taken by another Exonian. The magnitude of this event is undeniable—we are witnessing nature’s order challenged. The Exonian’s favorite seat was taken. How will he react? Watch closely as a wet stain expands around the crotch of his corduroys, and he squeaks in the shaky voice, “You took my seat!”

Thank you for listening in. Tune in next week to hear more about the true kings of the jungle, otherwise known as the Phillipians.