The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Week’s Top Headlines

Recent Finding: Board of Trustees Reallocated Niche Payments to Make Harkness Tables Rounder

College Counseling Starts at 9th Grade to Compensate for Lost Reputation as Feeder School for Harvard

Deans Make Room Visitation Policies More Lenient, as Exeter Students Consider Third Base “Prolonged Eye Contact”

Exeter Teaching Job Description: “Sit in Chair”

Long Live Harkness: Recent Grad Interrupts 200-Person College Lecture

Academy to Stagger Class Schedule, Prevent Students From Greeting Each Other Between Classes

Even MIT Weirded Out by Exonian Applicants

True “Chemistry:” Football Captain Keith B. DaGeek ’23 Leads Team With “Game Theory” and “Projectile Motion”

Students Shocked to Learn Money Spent on Wellness Center Condoms Could Be Put Towards Another Robotics Lab

Exeter Boy Wishes Dining Hall Baby Carrots Weren’t So “Phallic”

Exeter Campus So Ugly They Had to Film “Social Network” at Andover