The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Exeter Students, Sign This Waiver Before Embarking to Andover

I, __________________, as a Phillips Exeter Academy student interested in visiting Phillips Academy Andover, understand the dangers involved. By marking each line with my initials, I agree that if these events occur, I can hold no one but myself accountable:

____ When any personal objects, such as my favorite TI calculator or Roblox-patterned bow tie, are stolen and aggressively thrown away from me while the words, “Fetch, you little red gremlin!” are yelled into my face.

____ When I am tripped and end up with a booboo on my knee.

____ When I hear a naughty word that my mommy tells me I shouldn’t say.

____ When those jerks play that loud heathen music.

____ When I end up lost in the middle of a forest because of language barriers. (I am responsible for bringing my own copy of the Urban Dictionary to prevent communication confusion)

____ When my -10 prescription glasses are broken, and I am blind for the entirety of the trip.

____ When my inhaler is stolen and I suffer from any possible asthmatic attacks.

____ When Big Blue Bullies hurl personal remarks (such as “safety school,” “geeks,” “Saturday classes suck,” etc.) in my direction during the sportsball game.

____ When someone starts an argument with me over the Oxford comma.

____ When I suffer from sleep loss due to recurring nightmares, either due to memories of Andover students or to PEA’s soul-crushing grade deflation.