The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Exeter Student’s Common App Activities Released

The Exonian
2 hr/week (0h on the off weeks)
The oldest continuously running (because we continued to print mediocre journalism instead of fighting for our country) preparatory newspaper. I help advance the movement of newspapers becoming obsolete.

Feed the Starving Children of New Hampshire Non-Profit
3 hr/week
We just pack our dining hall food into plastic containers and drop it off at the local public high school. My philanthropic heart extends to the public schoolers who haven’t tried blue cheese on pizza.

Harvard Summer Camp
21 hr/week
Pleaseeee accept me. I already wasted my parents’ paycheck (albeit a miniscule portion) on your summer camp. See how invested I am? See how much I’ve demonstrated interest? My closet is already, like, 90% crimson (including underwear I’d be glad to show you). I also already have a sickening superiority complex purely based on the slight prestige of my academic affiliations!

Campus Dating App Start-Up
50 hr/week
Coding, capitalism, and couples! I use my advanced coding skills to help students on campus find true love (something they really need assistance with). Without my app, how else will students figure out how to approach one another?

Rubik’s Cube Kink Positivity
10 hr/week
I work to destigmatize the mesmerizing, orgasmic, and arousing act of solving the cube. I help foster inclusivity by creating a safe haven for others who share my obsession. I provide the lube, you demolish your cube.