A lot of people have been asking me how I stay on top of Math 225, Varsity SPIN, and my college essays––so I’ve decided to confess my secret.
One night, I was staring at the blank whiteness of my non-existent supplemental essays when I felt a chill run down my spine. Normally, I don’t feel that until I’ve dipped into my roommate’s study strategies, so right away I knew something was up.
I turned around to see a shadowy figure with glowing hate-filled eyes in the corner of my room. It looked like an ASM monitor at first, but I was relieved to realize that it was just a ghost. Luckily, my years of training via Fortnite prepared me for this moment (I told you it wasn’t a waste of time, Mom), and I sprang into action, hurling my expansive collection of empty Gatorlite bottles and commons plates at the approaching ghost. But my protest was in vain. There was a flash of light, and I must have been knocked unconscious.
I awoke on the ground, facedown, my head throbbing and my rear aching immensely. Initially, I panicked: “Did I do any homework last night? What time is it? Seriously, why does my ass hurt so much?” I managed to stand up to check the time on my computer. Shockingly, I had only been out for five minutes, and, somehow, everything on my Canvas was marked complete. Even my college essays had been finished. The only possible explanation was that the ghost had worked his magic, leaving only several invoice reminders from a handful of unemployed professors.