The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: CRIME: Accusations of Impersonation??

On the weekend prior to October 31, I was accused of committing the crime of impersonation. But I swear I didn’t do it!

My bald cap, chunky square glasses, and Patagonia vest were simply part of a costume! I swear! During the investigation, the interrogator asked me, “Then what were you doing in his house?” Speaking the truth, straight through my teeth, I told him, “It’s a long story.”

To start, I take Halloween very seriously. It’s not just the fake stubble, tote bag with Tupperware filled with commons food, or the Exeter-colored tie (such a faux pas!) When I dress up, I tend to inhabit the character’s mannerisms and lifestyle.

I woke up in the morning, excited for the best holiday of the year. I put on my costume, and headed to my office in GW. I strolled in around 9 a.m.—such a nice change from my usual 8:30 a.m. class. The beautiful newly renovated office also had more breathable air quality compared to my mold-infested dorm in the Knoll. I handed my thick load of homework assignments to my assistant—who didn’t even bat an eye. She said teasingly, “It seems like you finally went to the Botox appointment I scheduled for you.”

In the office, I looked at a stack of documents. I didn’t understand most of the big words, but it seemed like a bunch of fax memos from the Board of Trustees. I then noticed a shredder in the corner… How fun! Fascinated with the machine, I demolished the papers.

I then looked over the notes for my ASM speech. I gathered the stuffed animals on the desk to practice my projection and authoritative presence. “Good Morning, Andover!” Hmmm, a little louder: “GOOD MORNING, ANDOVER!” My stuffed animals were unimpressed.

I then walked across the street, not bothering to push the button because I don’t stop for cars, they stop for me. I walked the length of my massive driveway and entered the pristine white house. I greeted my dogs, the only living beings I would save in an apocalypse.

I lay on my couch, feeling safe from the dangers of energetic and feisty teenagers.

When my watch struck 11:00 a.m., I got up and headed towards the chapel. When I started walking towards the podium, someone else also approached! It was like looking in a mirror! The man looked at me with horrified shock. Who was impersonating me??

And then I remembered, it was Halloween and my get-up was just a costume. I wasn’t the real Head of School.

But at least the freaky coincidence finally captured the students’ attention.