The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Week’s Top Headlines

In Response to National Adderall Shortage, FDA Asks Academy to Conduct Dorm Searches

Following Orders to Remain Stationary, ASM Patrollers to Be Replaced with Snipers

Parent Worries That Andover Has an Underground Stripper Ring After Seeing Child’s Halloween Costume in Family Amazon Cart

Jesus Christ Makes His Return Before Teacher Finally Gets Around To Grading Essays

Lowers on Commons Cleaning Work Duty Form the First and Only Union on Campus

Parents Adjust Donation Plans Seconds After Dr. Kington’s Parent-ASM Speech

“People Over Profit” Sticker Looks Great on Brand New MacBook