Phillipian Satire: How Faculty Recovered Post-Family Weekend

After a long and treacherous weekend of teaching a pre-made lesson plan from 20 years ago to parents, all I needed was some good R&R. Trust me, there’s nothing more draining than four 20-minute periods answering helicopter parents’ questions about the future of their students’ GPAs and their passive aggressive attacks on my qualifications. Here is what I did to recover my will to continue on:

1. I went on a silent retreat for a week to retrieve my sanity.
2. When I returned, I finally had the time to share a meal with my loving family instead of eating those pungent salads with my grumpy colleagues in Lower Left. Nothing like eating reheated commons food while my children sit in front of the Cocomelon on TV.
3. I reframed my doctorate diploma to remind myself of my worth.
4. On my second whole day off, I took a solo trip to my classroom. I gave one of my favorite lectures, gesticulating throughout. I left feeling satisfied with a renewed sense of my intellectual authority.
5. I reviewed my class’ grades on Canvas to make sure the grade distribution was properly right-skewed. I had to reassure myself that I hadn’t gone soft. Grade deflation is the only way kids will learn.
6. On my last glorious day of freedom, I spent most of the day in bed; pondering my midterm comments. Were they vague enough? Did I mention conference enough? Restless; I fell back asleep and slept for the next 20 hours.

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