The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Teacher Explains why Students Left for Andover

I was pleased to meet your parents this weekend, Jimmy. You mentioned that their “eccentricities” influenced your decision to apply to the Academy, and I completely understand now.

Firstly, your mother seemed to think everything was for sale. Initially, I was charmed when she asked for the price of my kindergartener’s finger-painting; I thought she was making a joke. I quickly realized, however, that this was not the case. “No, my desk is not for sale,” I had to remind her several times. Your mother was unfazed and even more persistent. She even made an offer to buy our classroom, noting what she called “excellent natural light,” “a perfect spot for a mudroom,” and “insane potential for profit.” In our little corner of Bulfinch’s basement, I was dumbfounded. Of course, we made a deal on the room. It’s not often there’s a six-figure check with my name on it. So, I have decided that your mother is very misled on the concept of Family Weekend or following one of those hustler Instagram pages.

Then, when he finally arrived, meeting your father helped flesh things out a little bit. I was excited to meet Jimmy Sr., but, upon greeting him, was struck down immediately. “It’s James,” he said, coldly. “And what do you mean, ‘Jimmy Sr.?’ You teach my son, Bob. And, by the way, how could you possibly know Jimmy Jr.?” he asked, suddenly frantic. I soon realized that your father has a second family and must have confused you for Bob, his true first-born son. Naturally, your mother was very upset by this news. So much for Family Weekend! Ha, ha. I’m sorry you had to find out this way. Anyway, good work so far this term. I look forward to seeing what you do next in ENG420WTF: “Lolita and Eroticism.”