The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Parent Expectations

  1. Do not give teachers wads of cash to bump your kid’s grades up. Simple seductive moves can be more efficient and cost-effective.
  2. No forced PDA. It’s okay if your marriage is dying, being divorced is the new hip trend! Hopefully you didn’t sign a prenup!
  3. Do not shake hands with Dr. RayK unless you like getting clammy sweat on your hands. If you would like to approach the Head of School, don’t push things, let him come to you first. At most, extend a hand out and see if he comes near. Make sure you leave him an escape route to avoid causing panic.
  4. Please stop getting in everyone’s way to take ugly pictures of your children. Facebook would be benefited most if you just deleted your account.
  5. The Academy strongly condemns parents who hit on teaching fellows during their 15-minute mini-lesson. They’re cute—we know—but no need to compete with your kid on this one.
  6. We know revisiting high school can induce irresistible nostalgia. However, please abide by our anti-drug and alcohol initiatives. Any parents that are caught drinking at the Globe, railing lines of any sort in the Morse bathrooms, or hotboxing their child’s dorm room will be escorted off campus by our trusty PACS officers. The sanctuary policy does not apply to parents.
  7. Don’t answer every question a teacher asks. Even if you need an outlet for your useless English major, there is no need to be a showoff.
  8. Please keep your opinions on our rigorous anti-racism curriculum to yourself. You shouldn’t think you are a patriot, and we would like to avoid a rally.
  9. Remember that your kid is not special just because they go here. There are 1,200 kids here like yours: Ugly, loud, a little chubby, and full of self-diagnosed mental disorders that they’ll be more than happy to tell you about.