The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Freshman Warns Prospective Students

Dear Community,

This is my first year at Andover, and as I watch tours walk by, I must warn prospective students: Do not come to Andover.

Like me, I am sure you were at the top of your eighth grade class. Maybe, you were placed in the most advanced math class (Algebra II), played Varsity Soccer (no cut), and you also got a choir solo, showcasing your effortless falsetto. Trust me, this will not be your Andover experience. I am telling you this for your own good.

You will be placed in a math class where the only numbers you will understand are your failing grades. In fact, you will probably spend the most mental energy on calculating what grade you need to get a measly four overall. Don’t even think about asking your teacher for help because they are big and scary, just like the monsters under your bed. If you weren’t intimidated before, be intimidated now.

Don’t be surprised when you get on JV3 Soccer, the special team for prepubescent kids with small limbs and big egos. Hey, at least on this team you have a chance at starting. Maybe this will be the one place where you can feel above average in your athletic capabilities.

You also won’t make Yorkies like your father before you. Your vocal range has not developed enough, and your voice cracks are not great sound effects… they already have beatboxers. At least your grandparents will always want to hear your rendition of “Castle on a Cloud” from “Les Misérables” (don’t be concerned when they turn their hearing aid off, at least you can sleep tight at night knowing that at Andover, a three is a ten anywhere else (academically wise; opposite goes for looks)).

Trust me. Save your money and your mental health.