The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: How PAPS Officers Are Trained

With their sleek Toyota Hybrids, dapper uniforms, and expected sex appeal, PAPS officers command as much respect as any Top Gun pilot. However, without a blockbuster movie in their name, it’s clear that Andover’s sole protectors don’t get the attention they deserve. To change this, the Eighth Page has decided to feature the intense training that it takes to become a PAPS officer.

The PAPS rigorous training program would make Navy SEAL Hell Week look like summer camp. First, the new recruits are blindfolded, spun around, and forced to make eye contact with a passing student. This simulates a necessary part of the job that can be difficult to do when one is dizzy from the g-forces they experience while steering their Hybrids at high speeds of ten mph.

Recruits are also starved throughout the process. That’s right — due to PAPS officers’ long hours and a strict boycott on DoorDash, meals are often skipped. Thus, for all of training, officers must endure a strict ration of only six donuts an hour. Once they pass this stage, they are allotted a full dozen.

Of course, PAPS officers must be in shape, ideally in the form of a retired lineman. This is tested in an endurance portion in which recruits are forced to spend an entire night in a PAPS car, staring ahead into the endless darkness. PAPS officers often push the limit on how long the human body can remain completely still, burning as little calories as possible to maintain the donut bulk.

This is followed by a test of technical skills, in which recruits painstakingly drill their right turn, a crucial maneuver for making the loop around campus. You’ll notice most PAPS officers have an enlarged right forearm. PAPS officers are encouraged to use their left hand to bust open doors in Graves.

Those who overcome these daunting trials are admitted into the PAPS program as officers. Their training may seem over-the-top, but it’s the only way to ensure that we are protected against an army of evil 11:31 p.m. DoorDash drivers and students involved in salacious activities. Due to the officers’ bravery, our students can feel safe amongst the perils of Andover.