The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Investigative Report: Where was Dr. RayK

As the entire student body gathered together in the chapel in order to start the 2022 school year, one familiar face seemed to be missing. HOS 2.0 Mundra, Dean Esty, and even the three new cluster deans welcomed us, but where was Dr. RayK? The elusive Head of School was nowhere to be found, and we decided we had to get to the bottom of it. The Eighth Page sent a detective to track down Dr. RayK’s movements on the night of Matriculation.

6:40 p.m.- Dr. RayK spotted hunting for specific book in library. The title, “How to Connect With Teenagers For Dummies.”

6:41 p.m.- The doctor is on the move. Caught strolling through the sanctuary to understand the attraction. Only thing he saw was raccoons fornicating. He takes out notepad, and writes, “this is great speech content.”

6:50 p.m.- Dr. RayK creeps past the Chapel and hears thunderous applause. The doctor wonders if it makes physical sense for the applause to sound louder from the outside than from when he’s behind the podium.

7:00 p.m.- The doctor reheats a fragrant Commons seafood stew. Fish is great for the brain.

7:17 p.m.- Hunched over his bathroom sink, Dr. RayK compares his reflection to a photo of Chris Hemsworth’s glorious stubble.

7:20 p.m.- Dr. RayK settles into bed, reaching for the latest copy of a RAND Corporation report. Nothing like a misleading statistical report to put him to sleep.

7:33 p.m.- The doctor rises from bed to take his BeReal. This is what the book said to do.

8:00 p.m.- Dr. Kington does not return to bed because of the supposed bluelight from his phone that interrupted his REM sleep. Dr. RayK turns on his recording of “The Notebook” and cradles a box of tissues.

8:30 p.m.- Dr. RayK falls asleep after another busy day as Head of School.