The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Andover Basketball Player Shoots His Shot in the NBA

Dear Los Angeles Lakers, 

      I hope that this email is finding you in good health. I’ve been a loyal fan of the Lakers, and I know I will be the next big thing that will lead a comeback at next year’s playoffs. I come from the wonderful basketball institution, Phillips Academy, and I promise the value I have will be immeasurable…just like my ever-increasing height! I’m 5’9’’ going on 6’9’’, propelled by my hardwork and milk consumption. I even take baths in milk after I break everyone’s ankles in cluster ball–I don’t play on Varsity because they don’t want me to get injured before my future in the NBA. 

      Not only can I dribble, but I can also pass the ball really well! (sometimes I can do that really cool thing where you pass the ball in between your legs.) I could finally be the player on the Lakers who would be good enough to play with Lebron. I could also pull really hot supermodels, so our courtside would be looking fineeeee. I haven’t had my first kiss yet, but I’m sure with a Lakers jersey on, that could be changed. If you don’t draft me, think about all the assists, steals, three-pointers, hot girls, and broken ankles that you would be missing out on.

    Side note: I often smell like aged-milk. I think we could make this a signature scent under my name which would be great publicity for the team. 

Please consider me, 

Your Next Big Thing