The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Goldman Sachs Analyst Charles Phillip Leopold IV ’14 Impresses with Limitless Energy, Undeniable Passion, and Astounding Attention to Detail

Long before his time at Andover, Charles Phillip Leopold IV has been passionate about one thing: finance. Or, in his terms, “breesh”.

Specifically, Leopold loves money “because of the stuff it can get [him].” When asked to elaborate, Leopold was flustered. After a moment of incoherence, Leopold took out his phone and pulled out a photo of Jordan Belfort and his [dad’s] Amex.

“I just love the sound it makes when you drop it on the counter. The clink gets me every time,” Leopold said, visibly aroused by his Amex Platinum Card. One more promotion, he says, and he’ll be in the running for a Black Card.

On his day-to-day, Leopold had quite a bit to say. It begins at 7:30am with a shower. Then, at around 8:00, he orders a bagel from this “great place” where he “knows a guy.” After this, Leopold calls an Uber Black. Apparently, he used to take the subway, but can’t stand the crowds but mainly the homeless.

Leopold arrives at the office around 9:00 in the morning, clad in his Henry Poole Suit, Tod’s shoes, and Ferragamo briefcase. By 9:30 a.m., after complaining twice about Patagonia’s refusal to embroider the new Goldman vests, once due to their “human rights violation” about capital gains tax, and once about how Leopold’s father had a lot more fun in the office.

When asked exactly what he does at Goldman, Leopold asked to use the bathroom and was excused. Much more animated and energetic, if a little twitchy, Leopold was ecstatic to answer the question upon his return. He stated, “Most people see Goldman as the pinnacle but, for me it is a stepping stone. I would gladly trade my wife and children for a position in Tac Ops at Blackstone”

Leopold typically stays until 8:30 in order to get ready for his standing table at Le Bern. Although he has claimed to even have pulled a few all-nighters, acknowledging that he endured more at the Academy. Thankfully, he’s “found ways to cope” with the hours. “Speaking of which,” he asked, “Might I use the bathroom?”

This marked the end of our interview. Leopold was very pleased to be on campus after “so many years” and to finally tell every one of his science teachers how little he uses their subjects.