The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Letter of Acceptance for Class of 2026

Dear bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, young person with so much unlocked potential,

        Congratulations, you’ve been admitted to the 420th class here at Phillips Academy. You also just found out you were waitlisted at Deerfield. Don’t waste your time waiting and say ‘yes’ to Andover. You were one of the few, 13 percent out of over 3,000 applicants, to be deemed smart enough and well-connected enough for our elite institution. We’ve chosen you to be a part of our community, a community aligned with values such as equity and inclusion. 

        We know you’ll love it here. In fact, so many students love it so much, they often repeat a grade. Sure, it’s labeled as “med-leave” but we see it as loyal dedication to the Big Blue community and more tuition dollars!

        Your time here will teach you to redefine happiness. Soon you’ll find the 3 a.m. cram sessions for the chemistry test that your teacher did nothing to prepare you for the most exhilarating. And we promise you’ll love the journey. Our academic rigor does not promise Ivy League acceptance letters, so leave your ambitions at home and brace yourself for a humbling Andover experience.  

        You will gain newfound independence and freedom. Not only will you have to download an app that reports your location to house counselors, tuck yourself in bed at exactly 10:59 pm, and ask for permission every time you want to leave campus, but you get to choose your own meals from our wide variety of ethnic cuisines such as salisbury steak and watery beef tacos!

        Will your friends back home be having more fun? Probably. But they don’t get to say they go to the number one boarding school in America.

        No matter the kind of person you think you are now, your Andover months–years will expand your mind in ways you can’t yet imagine. Remember, the “yes” isn’t official until a check is in our mailbox! 


Dr. Phillip F. Academy ‘69