The Eighth Page

The Long-Lost Proposal For The Finals Week We Should Have Had

Salutations English Department Head, 


Just following up on our chat from a few months ago. For my section’s final, I think I’ll take an unorthodox approach.

Studies have shown that the best essays are written mentally, without pen, paper, or computer. When I read these studies in the Daily Mail, I was fascinated, and have since decided to research the possibility of a paperless paper. My students will be able to liberate their minds from the suction of our screens. To write this mind essay, it is similar to a meditation, but less structured. 

You may ask: “How will they find such inner peace in the bowels of Bulfinch?” Aha! But they won’t. For at least a week before our last class, they will not be required to come to class in order to prepare their minds. In fact, in order to cultivate a (remote) classroom culture built on empathy, balance, and inclusion, I will stay home too. In addition, studies show that binging Netflix can be great stimulation for the brain which would be essential in our preparation for napping–I mean meditating. 

“How will you grade these miraculous marvels of the human brain?” you will ask. 

“I won’t have to,” I shall reply. We are so product-oriented that we lose track of the greater imperative of the education of our youth. We preach growth-mindset, yet we’ve trained students to be so fixated on numerical grades. Also, what gives me the right to judge their work? Sure I have a doctorate, but I’m letting the greater judge, the universe, evaluate their work. 

“Wow, this all sounds incredible. You really are a genius,” you’ll say. “But what books will they read?”

“Oh no, silly. You sweet child,” I’ll reply as I pat you on the head. “They won’t be reading. The best books come from within.” In your mind, you can make infinite annotations on your own thoughts, not bound by small paper margins. In your mind, you don’t have to worry about academic dishonesty because there’s no need for citations. Your mind, your world.

 Your preconceived notions uprooted, you’ll bow before me, and the compliments will keep coming. Then you’ll grant me another 10-year tenure for my groundbreaking contributions to the curriculum and my tireless dedication. 

 This is the last piece of writing you’ll see from me. 



Dr. Adams ‘74 P‘93 ‘95 ‘97 ‘99 GP‘22 ‘23