The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: A Message on Behalf of the Andover Disciplinary Counsel to Drake

Hello “Drake” – 


         After reviewing your case, your Disciplinary Committee has come to a decision. Several things concerned us about your story. How were you able to get to Toronto? We are in the Orange Zone and have no record of your booster. However, when we realized that you flew via a custom PJ, we were very impressed. We’ve certainly factored your ownership of such a costly vehicle into our decision and hope one day you utilize such for charitable alumni donations. 


         While we will not pass judgment on what may or may not have happened in that bedroom and bathroom, we’d like you to please consider the company you keep. Although we commend your use of a barrier method, it seems as if this was not a loving relationship built on mutual trust and respect. Though putting hot sauce in your used condom was a clever attempt at keeping your swimmies safe from the hungry eggs, this was not very non sibi of you. You can spare some child support, Drake. 


 It seems that your partner was quite deceptive, or at least curious. We encourage you to check out the Sykes resources on healthy relationships and methods of (actual) contraceptives attached below. Yes we preach healthy relationships, but we strongly recommend (aka require) abstinence. Now we do understand “you only love your bed and your mama” but the girl was not your bed or your mama. We are truly buffudled. Unwanted pregnancies are not a good reflection of our school.


         Still, your behavior was appalling but we “appreciate” your apology of  “Everybody dies, but not everybody lives.” Honestly, we don’t know how to feel about this comment. For breaching covid rules (put in place to protect you), breaking room visitation policy, and practicing promiscuous activity, the DC has assigned you to nine months on Commons duty when buffalo wings are served. When you try to wash your hands, or take your contacts out, or escape the smell, just be glad you’re not dealing with a baby or burning genitals. Also, next time you fly abroad, at least sign out of Reach.


With Empathy, Balance, and Inclusion,


The DC Committee.