The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Week’s Top Headlines

This Week’s Covid-19 Patients Treated to a Danimals Sweepstakes Vacation

Sykes Accidentally Sent Saliva Tests to 23andMe, Task Force For Ancestral Apologies Formed

UberEats Revenue From Andover Students Exceeds Endowment

Dean’s Promise More Transparency, Now We Want To Know Less About Their Love Lives

Students Lick Door Handles to Get Free Hotel Stay

Your Self-Perceived Hotness on Zoom Isn’t Real, Unmirror Your Image

No Dorm Visiting But It’s Okay To Breathe Down Each Others’ Necks in Bulfinch

The 8PCDC Discovers Kissing Your English Teacher’s Butt May Not Expose You To Covid-19 But is a Disease in Itself and Should be Stopped