The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: How Do I Tell My Sheeple Roommate That I am Standing Against The Microchip Shot??

Dear Student,

This is a familiar topic to us as 75 percent of the Eight Page Staff is Unvaccinated!! (You guess who got the shot)


Ugh. It’s that time of year again. Another vaccine, new mandates, and countless attacks on our freedom. America sure isn’t the great, unvaccinated place it used to be, and nor is Andover. So, my fellow patriots, we must confront our vaccinated peers. “But how? Won’t they lash out? Send me into another dimension? Or worse, stun me with well-researched graphics?”


“I hope not,” I always reply, before I tell them the truth. 


First, stay calm, and make sure your vaccinated counterpart does as well. As we know, vaxers are super irrational and surprisingly strong, so be gentle with them. The microchip inserted into their arm obviously provides them with bionic strength. 


“Hey, friend,” you say, patting his bandaged shoulder. “How’d that get there?” Of course, that elegant Minions band-aid doesn’t hide a thing: you know exactly how that gruesome, bloody wound appeared. Your friend has been vaccinating again. 


If he responds, try to change the subject with, “I see you haven’t smoked a single cigarette today. What’s that about?” When he tells you that he doesn’t smoke, you have the perfect counter: “So you do everything the government says. What a sheep.” As you light a Lucky Strike, dive right back into the vaccine conversation.


This time, try changing your tone. Scream: “Don’t you know what they’re doing to you? God knows what they’ve put in those damn shots?” Repeat similar variations of those two questions before you ramble off the names of the half-dozen people who’ve died from the vaccine. Blow smoke into his face for effect. As he reaches for his EpiPen on the desk (he has a pretty severe smoke allergy), slap it away. “Oh, you think you’re gonna inject that too, huh!” You’re really screaming now, and your roommate sure is intimidated, panting on the floor. “Bet you wish you did your own research now, punk.” 


It is important to say that last bit with your unbridled, unvaccinated flair. After all, you’ve asserted your dominance. And your collapsed friend, who must have been quite tired, has decided not to use his EpiPen. Pat yourself on the back for saving another friend from the wrath of the government. Another day, another win for life, liberty, and the pursuit of life and liberty.



The Right Side of History