Phillipian Satire: Eighth Page’s Gift Guide

Feeling stressed around the holidays? Are you out of ideas for gifts to get your loved ones? An iTunes gift card just screams lack of thought. No need to worry, the Eighth Page has got your back with these unique and beneficial gift ideas. And when have we ever given bad advice?

An Andover needlepoint flask, for my dehydrated friend.
Smoothie, for the Den cashier. They still have to make it, but it’s the thought that counts.
Counterfeit varsity letter, for senior on JV
A Hat that says “It’s Doctor Ray K to You,” for Dr. RayK
Latex gloves, for my chem teacher to remove the massive stick up their–
A room, for the PDA couples.
Booster shots, for the kids going to Florida over break.
A Big Donation, for our school (just venmo @eighthpage, we promise the acceptance letter will be in your mailbox soon.)
Deerfield Pamphlets, for annoying freshmen.
The book, “How to be Popular in High School,” for teaching fellows.
An apology, for mom.
A life for UM.