The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Deans Resolutions

From a weekly memo:

Greetings, Andover!

I hope you all are having a great start to the winter term. As Robert Frost put it, “Winter sucks, especially at a rigorous New England boarding school.” With the New Year just around the corner, I think it is best to be positive. For your inspiration, I’ve attached a list of some of my New Year’s Resolutions. I hope you all will write your own resolutions, and stick to them!

  1. Make new friends. It’s always great to have some insiders in the student body to keep me updated on trends, comments/concerns, and drug rings.
  2. Be more confident and assertive. I have some great ideas about our disciplinary committee that I should definitely share. I would really like to consider the possibility of probation after dismissal, so we could track and punish expelled students by spamming them with donation requests. Wins across the board.
  3. Spend more time in Commons. I’d really like to spend more time around my subjects. I plan to walk the dining halls, listen to conversations, and relate to the children. Do people still dab?
  4. Cut out distractions at work. No more will I spend entire days staring into the mirror, practicing my menacing glare for disciplinary committees and people who don’t use the crosswalk buttons. 
  5. Discover a new passion. Does yelling at 14-year-olds count?
  6. Get exercise. 

Best of luck for the term. Don’t let the weather or workload get you down. Be happy!