The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Week’s Top Headlines

Common App Confetti Keeps Seniors Hanging on Just a Little Longer


Assassin Player Misses News About Dog Dying To Avoid Being Eliminated, Later Eliminated for Snapchat


PE Class Meets in Sykes to Discuss Slang Terms for Substances, Students Finally Know What to Ask their Plugs For


Admissions Already Identifying Which Members of the Graduating Class’s Future Children to Reject


In Student-Run Campaign Against Skateboarding, “Just Say No” Takes New Form


JV Team Dinners in Lower Left Provoke Even More Hazing From Upperclassmen


Halloween Dance DJ Booed Off the Stage After Turning Down Third Kesha Song to Tell Students to Mask