Oldest Money (Only time I actually had to work was in History-300)
Nepotism Non Sibi Award (Helping friends!)
Peaked in High School (Still wears varsity lacrosse jacket)
Biggest Glow-Up at Ten-Year Reunion (Name Tag: Hello my name is Hawtie!)
Pursued the Unique and Daring Field of Private Equity
Started a Very Credible Non-Profit (Still active years after college acceptance!)
Teaching Fellowship (as if the institution hasn’t exploited us enough!)
Cares-About-Earth Distinction Award (single-handedly beat the crap out of the fossil fuel industry…with instagram infographics)
Groundbreaking Research on Horny Teenagers*
(*Still looking for clinical trial participants, email hornyteens@researchlab.com if you are feeling unmanageable horniness. Looking for PDA couples in the library.)
Hosted SNL and Got Cancelled on Twitter (Former 8p Associate Star)
