The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Eight Page Exclusive Parent Interviews

Mrs. Burres is the head of the unofficial Andover Parent’s Association (She was kicked out of PSPA.) When she isn’t organizing fundraisers, Mrs. Bure loves to spend time with her son, Donny Tigress ‘23, who, she insists, is brilliant.

She said, “I just got so sick and tired of those stuck up parents from PSPA. They keep pushing to sell those sloppy hoodies and plaid pj pants as if we should be allowing our kids to walk around looking like hungover college marijuana smokers!! They also wouldn’t accept my proposal to campaign for parent dorms on campus. Those idiot PSPA parents think they can trust those lazy house counselors to supervise our kids? How else am I supposed to ensure Donny is tucked in bed at 9:15 pm?!?” Fervently, Mrs. Tigress continued to rant about the pains of being a helicopter mom who needs to take a helicopter to see her precious son. 

She said, “Tracking your kid’s phone location is the most basic step, then bribing your kid’s friends into giving you weekly reports is step two, and lastly, my best trick…disguise. My youthful skin helps me easily pass as a Teaching Fellow. I even got invited to a teaching fellow party, and they made me designated driver once they saw my Toyota Sienna! I wish Johnny was as appreciative of me as those barfing Teaching Fellows!!” She yelled as she ran away. 


Mr. Whitewoke is CFO of BigName Firm. He graduated from Andover in ’83, and lives in his humble backcountry estate in a town 45 minutes outside New York City. After his cherished time, dealing the 80s version of Vyvanse, at Andover, he went on to study at Yale University, where his dad, dad’s dad, and dad’s dad’s dad went. At Yale, he beatboxed for the Whiffenpoofs acapella group and was a prominent member of Skull and Bones. When he’s not golfing, you can find him sipping Manhattans at the corner of 44th and Park, at the Boxerbrief with his “secretary.” Mr. Whitewoke, unprovoked, answered some unasked questions while he was visiting his son, Jr. Johnny Whitewoke ’24.  Unsurprisingly, he started to talk about himself. 

“Ah, my time at Phillips, it was back in the day before the deans started sticking their noses in everyone’s business. It was a great time. Where teachers taught, coaches coached, and commons served Brandy. Lacrosse is a big part of my heritage. The pureness of the sport is the reason it is the only game I will let my son play.” After a long, solemn silence, he added, “He doesn’t need crew to get into an Ivy.” 


Mr. Rotlicht drove down from his cabin in Woodstock to visit his son, Huckleberry. He attended Andover but was kicked out due to running away for a week to a Grateful Dead show. During our walk around campus, he kept humming the tune of “Fire on the Mountain” and telling his son all the best places to trip LSD and consume large amounts of psychedelic mushrooms. When we passed Graves, he started to talk about the reason he got kicked out, “My friends and I decided to steal a bus and drive to Colorado for a Grateful Dead show. Well, once the school found out about my time off they kicked me to the curb and back to my town house in New York”. We continued our walk where we stopped into his son’s dorm for a couple of minutes. He ran out as the fire alarm sounded. He kept running all the way to the sanctuary where he seeked sanctuary from the fire department. After he felt he was in the clear and had left the sanctuary, he described this experience as “just another Saturday at the academy”.