The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: “Common” is RIGHT, 2/5 stars

by Karen Mcpherson P’23


As I walked into my son Jimmy’s elite boarding school eating quarters, the atmosphere was abysmal. Monstrous piles of black Herschel backpacks and Canada Geese obstructed the entrance. Obviously a fire hazard. That would explain the lack of heat used for this food.


I decided to grab the “no cheese veggie pizza” in order to stick to my new diet, and I was absolutely shocked when it was lacking in cheese. Pizza isn’t pizza without cheese. What were they serving me? To compensate I had some Sobe eternal life water. I then decided to venture upstairs with my new immortality. Stairs that are in no way safe for my Jimmy to be using every day. Imagine if he injures himself on those rickety stairs, who else will start for the JV soccer team??


The first thing I noticed on the second floor was this gooey substance in a self-serve tub next to the pulled pork, I think it was called placenta… Nothing like what mine looked like when I gave birth to sweet Jimmy. I asked a student in a “Class of ’22” shirt if the pork was organically sourced, and he called me a “Karen.” If I’m such a “Karen,” why am I calling your college counselor right now?


I can’t believe my precious Jimmy eats there every day… looks like I’ll have to donate a new cafeteria. Or send Jimmy to Deerfield.