The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Week’s Top Headlines

Miraculously, the Worst Week of Every Upper’s Life Has Fallen on This Week

Vaccinated Students Now Only Sent Home for Hook-Ups if They End Awkwardly

After Last Week’s Trivia Cash Prize Success, Upper and Senior Casino Night to Have Minimum Bet of $10,000

Your Mom’s Dog Visiting Last Week Causes Great Social Anxiety Among Campus Dogs That Haven’t Seen Anyone on over a Year 

Parental Visitation Exposes Many Students for Being from Massachusetts

Intimate Messages Written in Mccarthyism Chapter of Reference Book in Silent Found By Mr. Perry, Writers Still Unknown

E&R Begs Freshmen to Stop Pooping Their Pants