The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Hypnotized Student Speaks Out

There’s no better addition to the stress of midterms week than literally being hypnotized. But you’re probably wondering how I got here, so let me fill you in on last night. The Andover administration thought that it would be a great idea to have a hypnotist come to school, an event where you either fell asleep mentally due to hypnosis or physically due to sleep deprivation. I decided to make the bold move of going up on stage, effectively opening up my mind to the malevolence of a mid-tier hypnotist from Waltham, Massachusetts. Helpless in my state, I stood there as I was forced to run in place, forgot my name, and played the air-violin. After 30 minutes of this dignified public humiliation, the event finally ended and I started the long walk back to Abbot. However, upon my arrival to final sign-in, I found that I had forgotten my initials. I quickly scribbled in the box, my house counselor was incredibly suspicious but I assured her it was merely the hypnosis. I ran up to my room, confused at my ailing memory. However, I quickly forgot about my forgetfulness and fell soundly asleep. It wasn’t until the morning that I was reminded of my continuing dilemma. My math teacher asked us to solve a limit problem, but I proceeded to patriotically reenact George Washington crossing the Delaware. Then he asked for a sin graph and I started to break dance. It was at this moment that I accepted my situation—I had become permanently hypnotized. I spent the next two days tirelessly trying to get in contact with the hypnotist, but at the end of the week I was forced to accept my fate. I am now a proud hypnotized student at Andover, and I cannot control my actions. Ooga booga. Sorry I didn’t mean to say that.