The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: An Eighth Page Salute To Our Favorite U.S. Presidents

Considering how much time, effort, and money is spent commemorating undeserving presidents like FDR, George Washington, Teddy Roosevelt, and, god forbid, Lincoln, it’s almost like most Americans aren’t executive branch experts. Believe me, if everyone were, you’d never hear about those guys. So, to prove my point, here are the Eighth Page’s top four U.S. presidents of all time.

  1.   Warren G. Harding

         Our 29th president, Warren G. Harding, is number one in my heart. This guy broke barriers. He took the status quo and said “status NO.” When it came to cheating on his wife, he made JFK look like Mike Pence! Still, no one valued human relationships more than Warren G. Harding. From filling his cabinet with unqualified friends to forming a White House gambling club, Harding was a true humanitarian. You may call it corruption, but I call it camaraderie. I hope to be like Harding one day (please don’t tell my girlfriend!).

  1.   William Henry Harrison

         The definition of short but sweet, our ninth president holds the record for shortest time spent in office. But don’t be fooled: this guy was fearless. So fearless, in fact, that he ignored the rainy weather forecast and wore clothing unfit for his inauguration, resulting in his death a month into his tenure. William “Respect The Drip” Harrison will live on in my heart, as he would have if he did wear a coat on that fateful day. Harrison was also rumoured to be quite the drinker, and alleged party animal. He was often drunk on the job, changing the nuclear codes to “420420420” and pranking taxpayers with the creation of “social security.” 

  1.   William H. Taft

         Our 27th president had guts. Not only was William H. Taft 6’0”, 354 pounds, but he was quick with a comeback. In fact, at one of his speeches, after a critic threw a rotting cabbage at him, Taft quipped, “Looks like someone’s lost his head.” Especially considering the double meaning here, Taft’s wittiness was off the charts. He was recently offered a Comedy Central Stand Up Special when they realized he’s been dead for 91 years. “William H. Taft: Fat, Funny, and Federal” must stay in our imagination. 

  1.   Jimmy Carter

When it comes to presidents who were once peanut farmers, Jimmy Carter takes the cake. He was voted “President Most likely to order a pumpkin spice latte and have a live laugh love sign in his kitchen” by the Eighth Page staff. He was an advocate for civil rights and led the way to policy on new energy. Jimmy Carter was also quite the athlete, as the 5’10’’ president served as a killer point guard. To his death bed, he swears that he would have made it to the league if it weren’t for his devastating pinky injury. Looks like our 39th president was the wrong kind of Trailblazer.