The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Classifieds For The Lovelorn…

The Phillipian Satire: Classifieds For The Lovelorn…

Andover can be a lonely place, and it’s not always easy to meet new people. So this week, we are highlighting TWO real Andover students looking for love (serious relationships only—we don’t advertise hook-ups). If interested in putting your name here, email and

Serena Lee ’22:

Cool Facts About me!

She exclusively shops on Poshmark and sells on Depop

She will comment “SO CUTE” on your Instagram post, even if you won a debate tournament and are still in your slacks

She’s bringing back low waisted jeans. She doesn’t care that they make you insecure, they are cool in LA.

She cut bangs and immediately regretted it… while broadcasting it

She will hiss at you if you don’t like Tupac 


Doesn’t skate (duh.)

Looks like he sleeps

Can’t drive (Dr. Lee can’t drive us everywhere)

Ideal Date Spot:

Abandoned parking lot off the 405 with a nice view of the Hollyboob sign


Zach Hooven ’22?

Cool Facts About Me!:

He listen to indie music (ask him his favorite Tame Impala song, he loves that)

Proud UFO and Bigfoot believer, including multiple confirmed sightings and some well written fanfictions 

Was dropped down the stairs on his head as a child (can’t you tell?)

Pet-mom of a three-year-old ferret, Symere Woods Jr. 

He has been to Illinois twice and both times were underwhelming 

He enjoys provoking his teachers, especially when he didn’t do his Math homework


Doesn’t respect the trap

If you talk s—- about Chief Keef


Ideal Date Spot:

Front steps of Foxcroft