The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Weeks Top Headlines

Perk Sees Decline in Business as Day Students Don’t Exist To Obey Their Paul Revere Overlords 

Due To the Positive Response To Three Day Weeks, Classes Will be Held on Weekends

Sykes Counselors Flooded by Anxious Andover Administrators, Miserable Following Andover Parents’ Constant Cyberbullying

Lower Who Insists His Room Smells Fine Obviously Has Covid-19

Studies Show That Doing Your Homework Inhibits Your Ability To Be a “Hot Girl”

Senior No Longer Able To Afford Den Cookies as Her Parents’ Hedge Fund Now Belongs To Reddit Trolls 

Student Who Didn’t Point Out Axe Murderer Behind Teacher During Zoom Meeting Is Facing Serious Prison Time