The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Your Favorite Players From Your Favorite Teams’… Siblings

We’ve all heard of Jackson Mahomes, the dancer, internet personality, and brother-extraordinaire of Patrick Mahomes. However, there are a few other relatives of Super Bowl stars who may not be getting the credit they deserve. So, with the big game this weekend, we decided to find and highlight the best Superbowl family members. 

First, there’s Kyler Brady, Tom Brady’s second cousin. This full-time D.J. (also known as Jake from Hype FX) has lived in Mass his whole life and was crushed when Tom moved down to Florida. When he isn’t DJing Blue and Silver, you might find him practicing his clay-mation in his garage workshop. He asked Andover to let him host a clay-mation club in said garage, but they said he was “too creepy to take children to his house.”

But don’t forget about Duncan Kelce. We’ve all seen Travis Kelce’s Instagram, @killatrav. While some may be thrown by the handle, Duncan, Travis’ uncle, is the real killer, and is also, coincidentally, an Andover alum. Filled with Big Blue Spirit, Duncan was recently sentenced to 45 years in federal prison after several accidental deaths in the AFC championship game, the result of a ridiculous touchdown celebration involving barbeque sauce, a crossbow, and the Chiefs’ mascot. 

Even less appreciated is Rob Gronkowski’s little-known youngest brother, Joey Gronkowski. Joey is currently a full-time fitness trainer and influencer. You may know his brother as “Gronk,” but he took the second half of the name “Owski.” He was recently fired from Andover for forgetting to spot a noodle-armed freshman who unsuccessfully attempted to bench press 285. He moved down to Tampa with Rob and has been helping him to stay in shape. While Joey has played a major role in keeping Rob away from the famous Florida fatty foods, the strip clubs have been more of a problem.

Honorable mentions: