The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: The Week’s Top Headlines

Pew Research Study Shows Birdwatching Just as Cool as Drug Use

“I’m Quarantining in St. Barth’s” Says Sunburnt Fairfield County Lower

Opt-in Boarding Contract for Seniors Oddly Similar to Ones for Scientology

Audible Toilet Flush Interrupts Freshman’s Presentation on Mesopotamia

Loser of GJV Basketball Captaincy Race Calls for Yet Another Recount

History-300 Suffragettes Presentation Marred by SAFTB Flag in Background

Students Start Asking Questions After Footage Surfaces of Dean Soliciting [Redacted] with School Credit Card

Winter Term Cohort One to Be Composed of 12 Students to Whom Kington Has Spoken, According to Inside Source