The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Real Life College Supplement

College admissions season is, regretfully, upon us. Wherever we submitted our earlies (an Ivy here, and Ivy there, and maybe an Oxbridge for the especially pretentious), we’re bound to get results back soon. For some, that may mean an early Senior Spring. For others, heartbreak, and the knowledge that their time writing supplements is not yet over. In honor of the torture method where you extrapolate meaningless experiences or claim you have virtues that you really don’t, here’s a customizable supplement, sponsored by the Eighth Page and available for use for any schmuck too lazy to write their own. Take note, Uppers.

What is your greatest talent and/or skill?
My greatest talent is appearing as a favorable candidate for admission to [college], specifically to admissions officers who have never met me in person. Left with no choice but to charm their socks off through four 250 to 350 word responses, I do so regretfully, yet masterfully. I should begin by saying that I am exceptionally gifted in areas such as injecting humanity into otherwise impersonal supplemental essays (maybe by utilizing a short, conspiratorial quip like this one) and structuring my sentences with long, winding clauses that never seem to end or conclude, ones that Orwell would despise for their nefarious grandiosity because they do nothing but give the reader of this application a headache in trying to follow all of the relentless twists and turns that, in the end, actually lead nowhere…but demonstrate such mastery over the comma and such skillful avoidance of the greatly reviled “run-on sentence” that the aforementioned admissions officers have no choice but to accept me, ambiguous talent and all. Admittedly, I only developed this talent fairly recently, but it is borne out of a genuine and passionate desire to attend [college], a school where I can see myself taking part in clubs, organizations, teams—showcasing some of the other talents that, unfortunately, took a backseat to this one in this essay—and where I would undoubtedly be pushed to develop new passions, talents, and capabilities. (Sidenote: you’re my safety, but if I don’t get into Harvard then I tooootally see a future for myself with you.)