The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: A Letter to the Administration

Dear Andover,

This is a letter from your friendly neighbors at Bluetone. You know, the restaurant by the Whole Foods that’s always been there to soothe your aching heart with chicken satay and house-made teriyaki sauce? Recently with Covid-19 and all, we have been facing many struggles as a restaurant. For example, we cannot spit in our rude customers’ food because of these masks. These setbacks, however, are small potatoes in comparison to the financial deficit created when your administration outlawed food delivery. Andover students were by far our largest demographic, and now that we can’t charge a premium for driving around the Knoll for thirty minutes, the restaurant is in serious trouble—we’ve even resorted to widening our delivery range (why aren’t customers in Azerbaijan ordering any of the Bluetone specialty rolls? Is this an issue with our marketing strategy?). 

This letter is our appeal: for the sake of our business, please let students order from Bluetone again. We’ll even name dishes after you! The Big Blue Roll: Tuna, salmon, and bleu cheese wrapped in recycled 310 Papers. Or maybe the Gunga: gorilla meat nigiri. Please Andover, anything. Give us back that trust fund money from the students who think they’re too good for Commons. Speaking of Commons, though, we’ve seen some of what they’ve been doing lately and we’re more than a little grossed out. Salisbury steak twice in one week? Really? C’mon, “chef,” just admit you bought too much ground beef. In conclusion, Andover, if you get serious about wanting to satiate your students, give us a call. We only gave half of Hale food poisoning like three times.

Yours Tastefully,