3/24/26: A letter arrives in the mail, screeching through the George Washington Hall mail slide. It reads: “You have been accepted. Be at the cemetery at 1 a.m. tomorrow morning.”
What was this mysterious letter about? Keeping with Andover’s shift away from interscholastic sports to life sports, a special life sport has been created for the spring term. Couch to Boston Marathon aims to completely transform 10 students from Dean weight to Classics (yes, it is a Varsity sport) weight. More of a social experiment than a sport, the coaches, Corey and Randy, started searching for suitable students. Poaching students from Stearns, Photon, and Lawrence, Massachusetts, the coaches assembled an All-Star squad.
Couch to Boston Marathon 2026 had begun. Featuring a class of ’28 chud among others, the goal is to see: Can a Math-650 Student run a Marathon with a month of prep?
Training is intense.
Week one: Our subject dies trying to run 2 miles.
Week two: He is resuscitated in the hospital and makes a full recovery. To get time back, a terrorist threat is made.
Week 1 (2.0): He runs 2 miles.
Week 2: He runs 5.
Week 3: He hits 7. Three days before the marathon, his final training session takes place. 8 Miles (Eminem reference because he is fat as shit and he thought it was the candy). He is ready.
Some astute readers may be wondering why he only ran 8 Miles. On the 20th of April, in Hopkinton, he jets out of the starting line, running, setting a new PR in the 8-mile (sub 2 hours). Eight miles out, he sees the finish line: The Framingham T stop. He hops over the barrier and onto the T, and takes it into Boston. At Kenmore Square, he hops out, hoping he kept up with the pack. He didn’t. Walking is faster than the T, but he runs the last mile through the heart of Boston, dodging home runs hit off of newly-awful Garret Crochet, under the snipers guarding the finish line from above. Four weeks after his journey began, he finishes the Boston Marathon… wheelchair race.
