Students from and around Boston, a sports city because everything else about it kinda sucks, came into the Big Game exuding confidence for their team. Not even Jordan Belfort could have calculated the level of humiliation Patriots fans would face after Bad Bunny drove for more yards in his halftime show than their whole team did in two quarters. How do ya like dem apples? Perhaps quarterback Maye, sacked what seemed to be a total of ten thousand times, DeBÍ TiRAR MáS Footballs.
The line at Sykes Wellness Center last Monday stretched from the front door of the Wellness Center all the way to Dunkin’. Following the New England Patriots’ humiliating loss to Sam Darnold and the Seahawks, Sykes announced that it would be offering free counseling to any and all grieving Patriots fans. Many fans showed up with their Drake “Drake Maye” Maye shirts in hand, ready to denounce their golden quarterback: “How come he didn’t deflate the footballs like Tom did?”
Unfortunately, Sykes could not handle the influx of patients, partly because the majority of its counselors on staff also found themselves waiting in line. The Eighth Page interviewed one such counselor to get a better idea of how Patriots fans are feeling right now:
“I sweah to gahd, I coulda swahn da Pats had dis in da bag. I even made some handmade Mozzarella for my pahty. No, it’s mutzarula, not Matsarella. Trust me. I been to Olive Gahden a few times back in cahllege, so yeah, I know a bit about Italian cultcha.”
Team Eighth Page soon left the Bostonians alone. They couldn’t get out of the parking lot, however, because every single car looked like it was parked by Stevie Wonder.
