After getting taken off air, Jimmy Kimmel was given an extensive Growth and Accountability Plan where he was mandated to reflect on the harm of his actions, especially to the current administration. This is where we come in. The Eighth Page has always had a keen eye for comedic talent; we are drawn to those who push societal norms. Kimmel’s suspension suggested there may have been potential in a late-night talk show host that we hadn’t seen before. Naturally, we called up our connections at the Pentagon to ask to sit in on interrogations of the treasonist. Although it seemed to Jimmy that we were there to wait for him to show any unwarranted empathy (big no-no), we were actually analyzing how well he could withstand pressure from “the man,” a key criterion for eighth-page writers.
News flash, he’s a wimp, but it wasn’t without lack of trying. Unfortunately, it appears our experimentation wasn’t as incognito as we thought, and someone gained access to Jimmy’s initial script pre-treatment. So we decided to do the honorable thing and own up to our mistakes. We won’t make you dig through undisclosed files on Reddit threads. Instead, here it is, Kimmel’s deleted script:
Hey guys, it’s me Jimmy- record scratch- you’re probably wondering how I ended up here.
Well as it turns out I got cancelled — surprisingly, not for my resurfaced tweets from 2010, but rather for making some jokes which were apparently unfunny, which struck me as odd because my whole career seems to be built on unfunny jokes.
Truth is, I had to flee the country after Trump took me to his penthouse and he freaked it (off the air). After receiving no after-care from Don, I sought political asylum with Ellen DeGeneres in the UK. However, I quickly grew tired of listening to her and her partner yell at each other so I decided to return to America. Luckily, after claiming South African heritage, I regained access to the country and enough welfare to combat my narcolepsy (thank you luigi :P). With this newfound clarity after treatment, I was hit with reality; being a left wing icon sucks!! Over my 2 day hiatus I received masses of fan mail featuring Joe Rogan and I. Accordingly, I realized maybe I’m not ready to be open yet, much less did I want to come out on the wrong side of the closet.
#KimmelUncancelled #Trump2028
