Gather round little kiddies! Welcome to the Features Section. For those of you who are new around these parts, allow us to now introduce you to what is by far the best section of The Phillipian. In this section, all we do is make you laugh, so we’re basically Al Roker if he were a newspaper section. Anyway, following in the footsteps of Features editors past, we will begin the year by describing The Features Section by telling you everything that Features is not. The Features Section is not a quitter. To be a quitter implies that at some point we were trying. The Features Section is not a TV dancing program. If we were however we would be the “Pants Off Dance Off.” The Features Section is not your estranged father who left 5 years ago. We’re coming back. The Features Section is not America’s new craze, Twitter. Although we do try to keep track of Gary Busey’s whereabouts as much as we can. The Features Section is not Backtracks,.People other than the faculty editor have heard of us. The Features section is not an illegal drug. You can get your kicks with us and not have to worry about dropping the soap. The Features Section is not Chris Brown. We prefer verbal abuse. The Features Section is not the Arts Section. Our section isn’t used for starting fires. The Features Section is not the H1N1 flu vaccine. There’s plenty of us to go around. Dyslexic not is Features. The Features Section is not the World’s Strongest Man competition. We drag tractor trailers down a road just for funsies. The Features Section is not one to spread rumors. Miley Cyrus is pregnant! The Features Section is not Michael Vick. We prefer cockfighting… and that sport where chickens fight. The Features Section is not Christopher Walken. We have two prescriptions. One is for cowbell, and the other for vicodin. The Features Section is not Kayne West, but if we were we’d shut the hell up. The Features Section is not Tyler Perry. When we take dumps, movies don’t come out. The Features Section is not Lance Armstrong. Our bike has a basket and tassels on it. The Features Section is not Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The only time we rigged an election was when we voted for Sanjaya. The Features Section is not the Octomom. We do have to pay her child support though. The Features Section is not the Jonas Brothers. We don’t need to impress middle school girls, they just come to us. The Features Section is not Heidi and Spencer. We aren’t the spawns of Satan. The Features Section is not in a theater near you. We’re already in your house… The Features Section is not available for free download. Our sex tape is, though. The Features Section is not Comedy Central. We’re funny before 2 a.m. The Features Section is not sex. But we have it. Tons of it. The Features Section is not yet rated. However, our content is somewhere between Aladin and Bruno. The Features Section is not Bob Dylan. Our times don’t a-change. The Features Section is not funny. We’re hilarious! The Features Section is not allowed within 200 feet of playgrounds. Don’t ask. The Features Section is not angry. You won’t like us when we’re angry. The Features Section is not pregnant. That is, if the smiley face means “not pregnant.” The Features Section is not a death panel. The only thing we’re killing is maturity. The Features Section is not Sarah Palin. We don’t drop the “g” at the end of every sentence we’re sayin’. The Features Section is not Axe body spray. Girls inexplicably flock to us anyway. The Features Section is not FOX News. We don’t even bother debating that Obama is the Antichrist. The Features Section is not David Ortiz. We knowingly use performance enhancing drugs. The Features Section is not a porno flick. Our storylines are usually weirder. The Features Section is not Brett Favre. Yes we are. No we aren’t. The Features Section does not ask questions. Do you? The Features Section is not the new Harry Potter movie. We are 100 percent anti-snogging. The Features section is not Brad Pitt. We are constantly talking about Fight Club. The Features Section is not Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr.. We use keys to enter our homes. The Features Section is not Barack Obama’s new Healthcare Bill. Rarely do we provoke intellectual debate. Compiled by The Features Section Editors and Associates.
