Old-fashioned old people What I’m talking about is the in-your-face, long-live-the-Confederacy, be-with-Christ-or-burn, get-off-my-front-lawn, pull-up-your-pants, lock-the-doors-honey, let’s-go-to-the-country-club, turn-that-darn-hipity-hop-music-down, Gertrude-I-can’t-find-my-LifeAlert type of folk. Where do I even begin? Maybe it’s the bingo obsession or the perilous driving that instills the fear in me, but what worries me the most is how I may become one of these things. Scary. Arby’s Not everyone has the same hatred toward Arby’s that I have, but I can explain. It all goes back to last summer when I was on a hot date. Being the classy man that I am, I brought my date to the local Arby’s. We shared a delicious meal, but as I went to refill my cup of Pibb, I was approached by an old man looking for straws. I handed him the straws, unaware of the obvious danger. I sat back down with my lovely date and we finished our meal. As we left the establishment, a group of intoxicated bikers stumbled up to us. They grabbed my date from me and then proceeded to violently, mercilessly, brutally, angrily, sadistically, forcefully, ruthlessly and heartlessly critique her fashion sense. And that’s why I don’t like Arby’s. The Arts Section Too easy. Brett Favre Brett, I’ve had enough of your bologna. You manage to single handedly make me hate ESPN every summer with your indecisive flippity-floppitiness. Congratulations, you’re in an elite group featuring the WNBA and professional bowling. Speaking of which… The spelling of the word “bologna” Who thought of the spelling for this word? Italians? Forget universal healthcare, changing the spelling of bologna should be Obama’s top priority. Single-ply toilet paper I’d rather use sandpaper, bark or the scruffy chin of a lumberjack after a long day’s work. The word “incorrigible” Does anyone without a Ph.D know how to pronounce this word? I think not. In fact, if you can, find me and I’ll give you a prize. Seriously. Guidos Can humanity fall any farther? It hurts me to know that they consume precious oxygen. The good news is that the combination of towxic hair gel, steroids, and fake tans will wipe out the species by 2040. And MTV renewed Jersey Shore for a second season. Uh-oh!
